I'm So OLD!
by nikole stella
Summary: Re-post. Harry is so upset that it’s his 17th birthday, and his gifts aren’t helping much... Pranking!WeasleyTwins. Funny!Dobby. SexuallyActive!Gryffindors. One-Shot


This may look familiar to some and that's because it was posted last year on July 31st, 2008. However, I removed it not too long afterwards because I thought I posted it too quickly and needed to revamp and repost it the next year (this year). But I re-read it tonight and love it. So yeah... I changed nothing. Keep in mind that this was written and posted the same day (I was on a natural high...). The following was posted last year:

* * *

So I came up with this idea like 3 minutes ago… So this is completely not pre-planned. And I know that Hogwarts isn't opened on Harry's birthday (July 31st), but let's just pretend that the school had to be shut down for a few months due to the War and now the students have returned to complete their year of learning. Tell me what you think by reviewing!

Oh, and Harry Potter or anything related in this story does not belong to me. Only my plot and insane ideas can I claim.

Summary: Harry is so upset that it's his 17th birthday, and his gifts aren't helping much... Pranking!WeasleyTwins. Funny!Dobby. SexuallyActive!Gryffindors. One-Shot

Genre: Humor

Rated K+ for suggestions of sexual activities

**I'm So OLD!**

"Harry! You have to come out of there! It's been four hours!" Hermione screamed.

"NO!" Harry yelled like a child.

"Mate, come on. It's not all that bad," said Ron.

"NO!"

Pop. Dobby had arrived at the Quidditch Pitch. "Where is Harry Potter? Dobby brings him gifts!"

"He's in there," Hermione said, pointing to the broom shed. "He refuses to come out."

"Harry Potter sir! Please come out! It is Dobby, sir!"

"Go away!" was the reply.

Dobby's huge ears went down like a chastised dog. Tears formed and before they knew it Dobby was ramming his head into the wall of the broom shed.

"Dobby! Dobby, stop! The dust is getting on me when you do that!"

"Bad Dobby! Bad, bad Dobby! Of course Harry Potter doesn't want Dobby's gift!" Dobby rambled, still hurting himself.

"Dobby! That's not true!"

"Then why doesn't Harry Potter sir come out of the closet?"

Ron snorted into his hand at the pun.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ron," Hermione said, but smiled.

Dobby continued his antics, and then suddenly collapsed from one hard impact.

"Dobby?" Harry called out.

"I think he knocked himself unconscious," Ron said quietly. Hermione stood horrified.

Harry hurriedly disengaged all of the locking spells that he put on the broom closet and walked out. He was blinking away the dust that covered his face and clothes out of his eyes. As soon as he was out, Dobby jumped up abruptly, causing the Golden Trio to shriek.

"I knew Harry Potter would care!" Dobby said, about to cry in adoration.

"I think my heart just stopped for a second…" Hermione said, breathing hard.

"At least Harry is out of the shed. Come on! You have gifts to unwrap!" Ron said happily.

"Really?" Harry said, perking up. "I didn't think I would get any since I'm **so** old."

"You're not old! This is the age we all wait for in life!" Ron said while they all walked to the Gryffindor Common Room. "I mean, 17! You're a man now!"

Harry cringed at the word 'man'.

"See. There are your gifts."

A mountain of brightly wrapped gifts took center stage of the Common Room.

"Wow," Harry said awed.

"More of your admirers probably sent you gifts this time around since you defeated Voldemort recently," Hermione explained.

Harry dived into the pile and found the usual goodies from Mrs. Weasley. He was about to open the one from re-instated Professor Lupin, but Hermione stopped him.

"Open our gifts first, please?"

Harry smiled, took the rectangular box from Hermione's hands, and unwrapped it, knowing it was going to be a book. However, his smile disappeared when he read the title.

Ron glanced over his shoulder. "MENopause: The Guide to Men's Menopause. Why did you get **that**?"

"Well, I thought it was very interesting and Harry's not getting any younger."

Harry wanted to cry. "Umm… thank you?"

"Open Dobby's, Harry Potter sir!" The Gryffindors glanced at Dobby, not noticing that he had accompanied them to the Common Room.

Harry put the book down on one of the couches, making sure to put it upside down so that no one would ask questions about it. Dobby handed him a piece of paper.

"You already wrote my will?!" Harry exclaimed.

"Does Harry Potter sir like it? Dobby worked for months on it!"

In truth, Harry wanted to strangle the house elf, but didn't want Dobby to hurt himself again. "Yeah… I like it… Thanks…"

Dobby beamed, then muttered something about making food for the upcoming meal, and snapped his fingers to get to the kitchen.

"My turn!" Ron said excitedly. "You're going to love my gift!"

Harry highly doubted it, judging by the two gifts that he just unwrapped, but he took the tube from his redheaded friend. He gasped when he read the label.

"Tell me you didn't just give me lubricant!"

"We're men now, Harry, and men always need to be prepared!" Ron puffed out his chest.

"That's highly inappropriate, Ron!" Hermione said aghast.

"You didn't say anything last night," Ron whispered.

Hermione blushed.

"So that's what we heard last night!" Neville said, a table away with Dean and Seamus.

"I told you Ron was getting some!" Seamus said triumphantly to Dean. "I win the bet! Hand me the ten Galleons!"

Dean rolled his eyes and gave the gold coins to his friend.

Hermione blushed even more. "I think I'll go now…" And she ran to the girls' dormitories.

Harry wanted to pass out. His two best friends were… **doing it** in the bed not too far from him.

"If you don't want that lubricant, I could use it," Neville piped up.

The boys glanced surprised at Neville who looked unperturbed.

"What? I get some too, you know," Neville said.

Harry ignored him and turned back to his mountain of gifts. "What gift should I open next?"

"This one!" Dean got up from the table and picked up a very small present. He read the tag. "It's from Fred and George."

Harry took the red wrapped gift and gently tore it open. "It's a mirror."

"What?" Ron asked. His brothers usually gave much better presents.

"Oh Merlin! My face!"

Harry fainted. His roommates rushed forward to help him and Seamus picked up the dropped, but not broken mirror. He turned it around and laughed. He read the back out loud:

"'_**Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes **_**Aged Mirrors**

Ever wanted to know how you would look like when you got older? Well, here's your chance! Take a glance and see the wrinkles form! Give it to your friends and laugh when they pass out from seeing their young faces turn weathered and ancient!'"

"Poor Harry," Dean said. "What a happy birthday."

*****

Happy 28th Birthday, Harry! Tee-hee!


End file.
